We all have trauma and the more my trauma releases and quietens, the more I can hear the pain of others. My body, breath and mind hold the memory of the patterns of trauma, not yet fully released, this residual energy primes me to the feelings and patterns of others. I can hear them more clearly now.
These are the words I was left with at the end of my last post. This is me now able to see the gift that the past has given me.
Last day in NYC:
I walked around the site of the fallen twin towers of the World Trade Centre. The air was almost palpable with the energy of the enormous tragedy that had taken place there. The heaviness of the whole Financial District made my movements slow and deliberate, terror hangs in the air. I could feel the shivers and buzzing running through my body, it didn’t stop until I had walked at least 6/7 blocks away. But it wasn’t the tingling I feel when I hear the truth, it was thick and heavy, like plasma, oozing around me and through me. Tears rose quickly, even before my mind could tell me why, my eyes were damp with other people’s memories. I wasn’t prepared for feeling anything, I didn’t think it would have any particular effect on me. I held back tears as I walked around the site, builders and contractors busy with rebuilding, reclaiming freedom on behalf of all US citizens, they were as proud as soldiers fighting the good fight, they believed in what they were doing. I had no context for knowing if my tears would be welcomed or resented, so I kept them to myself.
Upstairs at the Rockafellar Centre I felt a different sort of energy, as I walked through the information display showing off the good work of Rockafellar, his philanthropy and the strength of his convictions in capitalism, consumerism and mass marketing, the air tingled with excitement. My spine was alive with a light, dancing energy that would propel anyone to pursue showbiz if the two were paired together often enough to create the association. When they say “what a buzz!” that’s what I felt.
But a buzz, in any form, can’t last forever and we need to be able to sit quietly with what lies beneath. The stillness and space within us needs to be a place of rest, a place to come home to. We have to know it is there.
The contrast of the biggest city in the world with the little neighbourhood where I live gives me the chance to see what I have, how where I am helps me be who I am. I could see, beyond just culture that is derived from country, but culture that shapes a way of life, a way of being a way of relating to the world around you. When there is space around you, when you have the luxury of going for a walk without having to sidestep around people or be jerked out of a daydream by the roar and rubble of the subway beneath you without being constantly reminded that there are people far far worse off and people more wealthy than my mind can fully comprehend, then you can be tricked into seeing the space around you as yours, when in fact it is just the space around you. There is still tension and contracting within. The hardest thing now will be to ‘keep the space’ within, not being afraid of the space around but finding a way to allow that to hold and contain me when I need it and let me be free to explore the world when I don’t.
That is what New York has given me. Space. A place to come home to.
There is so little space around you in a town like that, if you soften and move with it, it will hold you. But it also forces you to find the spaciousness inside of you or risk going insane with overload.
The release I experienced and self-awareness I gained from my time with Leslie Kaminoff, and the space that was created in the Restorative and Pranayama TT, came together to show me the strength in space and how this space is created and held by the breath. A constant opening and release, welcoming the universe inside, deepening the interconnection, the inter being.
The more space I create within me, the less constricted and tense that I am, the more room there is within me for union of body and spirit. The air that I breathe welcomes the world, the universe around me, into my body. The more space I have for breath, the more at one with the universe I can be.
This is what New York has given me, stillness and breath.
Space. A place to come home to. I can’t wait to be home.