This is what I have been afraid of. That if I showed you how hurt I am, how much pain I’m in, that it would be too much for you and you would turn away from me. I hope I am wrong, I hope you can learn to understand who I am and accept who I have become rather than who you want me to be.
I love you. You are afraid of me. You are afraid of the truth you see in me. YOU CANT”T HANDLE THE TRUTH! It is shame that accompanies your inability to withstand the suffering you feel, the suffering you see, the suffering you caused. It is shame that makes you turn away, unable to accept who I am, not who you made me to be.
I’ve done my part. My part was to provide you with the opportunity to heal. I offer you understanding, freedom from blame and anger, a chance to know yourself better. What part will you play? Will you turn back? Will you want to keep playing the game the same old way? I’m out. I don’t want to play anymore, you’re on your own or find a new team. But I’m here when you’re ready, to start something new.
This is what I’ve been afraid of. Finding out I don’t need you anymore. That I am truly, a child of the universe. I’m not yours anymore than you are mine. But I am of you, in you and you are me. So what to do about that? In my eyes I am now free. My pain is too much for you but your shame is ok with me. I am ok with your shame, I can sit with that, I can bear it, I can witness it, I can forgive it and I accept it. I am free.
This is what I have been afraid of. If I am aware, if I understand, then there are no more excuses, nowhere to hide. I must face those parts that are not me and accept those that are. I am coming to know and accept myself, to take responsibility, to pick up the pieces and realign them for myself. To make choices that will have the right consequences. I move closer to my authentic self.
Sometimes change feels like a mess. Wasn’t it ok, the way things were? No, there were too many lies, too many layers, not enough love. Allowing the tide to change, the sands shift, the moon moves into a new phase. Now is not the time to go fishing, but to sit quietly on the shore watching the reflection of the moon as it glitters on the surface of the deep ocean. Gentle waves, deep sea, no need to distinguish or merge. The flow carries us all.