Last blog entry I wrote about losing myself. Now I am contemplating what I have gained from that loss…turns out, i have gained nothing. Nothing at all!
Well I could bang on for a bit about insight, wisdom, calmness and/or happiness. But just like a beautiful rainbow, these are impermanent states, passing beauty that won’t last long. Doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying myself just now. In fact I’m really quite excited to have settled down enough after such a tumultuous period to realize what I just experienced. I didn’t come to this realization on my own, I finally struck up the courage to seek both professional and spiritual guidance, and was very relieved to find some assurance that I wouldn’t be needing anti-psychotics after all lol.
The sense of freedom from having released so much old baggage, from seeing through old conditioning, understanding old patterns of behavior, their cause, the triggers and cyclic program that was running in my head, is still rather titillating. However, now I need to sit calm and steady. Enjoy the enjoyment, being mindful of what’s no longer there and see what arises in its place.
The sense of loss is presently pleasant, there is a beautiful sense of spaciousness. But I’m still rattling around in the space with the buzz of excitement, still on a high from it all. And I’m wondering if the real insights are yet to come, the ones that creep in slowly, arising from within as the dust of emergence settles.
I sense that now is the time to practice. Practice, practice, practice, with equanimity toward my thoughts and feelings, with compassion for my dislodged self and with a strong sense of impermanence reminding me that none of this is solid anyway, that really all of this is just a big bunch of nothing!
(but still it is the most beautiful, sweet smelling bunch of anything I have ever received!).
May you be happy,
May you be healthy,
May you be free from suffering.
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