Oh boy, what a crazy couple of months.
I have spent years working on myself now, trying to figure out ‘what the…?’, ‘why?’, ‘how the…?’, ‘huh?’ spaces in my head. Trying to understand my own conditioning.
I have even made it to a point where I am content with my’self’ most of the time. There are still moments of doubt, of some degree of ‘self’-loathing but for the most part, I’m happy to acknowledge and accept that I’m doing ok. This has taken and lot of work, I’ve had to take on a perspective and way of living that allows me to have the space for contemplation, reflection and maturation, I’ve avoided certain types of people and accessed a life that has afforded me a middle-path in so many respects.
Then I had a series of seemingly unrelated experiences that led me to question who I am.
This wasn’t just a pondering as I stared out of the kitchen window while doing the dishes. This was a real and actual crisis of sorts. I was actually scared that I had lost myself and couldn’t find who I was. This sounds ridiculous I know. But I could hardly predict or know what it was I was going to do the next day, my mind felt so foreign, as if I was just watching it rather than in control. I wasn’t choosing thoughts, they were just happening and I was just watching. All I could do was sit back and let it unfold. If I struggled for control or fell into the role of victim I would have been overwhelmed by the feelings whirling around in me; emotionally and physically.
And so at the conclusion of this most bizarre experience I now know something new:
– I can sit with suffering
– I know where my suffering comes from
– I know there’s a way to be free from it
– It had to end because everything does.
There is so much to be gained from letting go of the fabricated self, connection, freedom, awareness, the ultimate truth.
This is what I will be working on from now; finding emptiness.